


you've got the light to fight the shadows

by orphan_account



Series: skam fic week [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Drabble, Extended Scene, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 13:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11829897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Isak's thoughts after Mekke Øl.





	you've got the light to fight the shadows

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i struggled with this one A LOT. like definitely the most out of all the fic week prompts, and this just idk came to me and i dont like it at all but i dont wanna miss a day so im posting it anyways.
> 
> isaks internalized homophobia is SUPER heavy in this one so please please be safe <3 and remember that your queerness is beautiful and pure!
> 
> title is from read all about it part 3 by emeli sandé aka a song that is so isak that it makes me bawl my eyes out everytime i listen to it.

The second he’s out the door of Even’s apartment, Isak’s fake smile drops.

He feels physically sick, stomach churning after having to act like he was totally okay and fine when Even said the words _my girlfriend._

He’s so fucking stupid. What the fuck is wrong with him? Thinking Even actually _liked_ him, why would a guy like Even ever be into him? Of course he has a girlfriend, why wouldn’t he?

He knows it’s stupid but actually letting himself explore what he’s feeling for Even, ditching his friends and Emma for him, thinking Even was actually flirting with him, and then having to keep on a straight face when Even’s _girlfriend_ came over – that was brutal.

So Isak isn't okay. Not at all. In fact, all he wants to do is cry and maybe scream and curl up into a ball of nothing. It's just so unfair that– that he let himself believe, for just _one second,_ that maybe he could have Even, and as soon as he did it was ripped away from him.

Isak swears to himself he’ll never let himself have feelings for a guy ever again. This, if anything, is a clear sign that it’s just not meant for Isak. It’s wrong. Nothing good will ever come out of it.

He’s sick of it, sick of hating himself and not being normal. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just see and feel the same way about girls as his friends do. He should be able to, if he tries hard enough, right? But he has tried, he’s tried _so hard_ but it just doesn’t work. There’s something seriously wrong with him.

He’s tired of feeling like he’s living a lie, and questioning everything, and being scared, being terrified that people will somehow find out. He just wishes he could make himself like Emma. That’s what Isak is meant to feel.

Tears in his eyes, Isak keeps walking to the tram stop quickly. He tries to will the tears away because this is _stupid._ He doesn't look up and he doesn't stop to apologise when he bumps into someone. He's scared that if he opens his mouth, the only thing that's going to come out of it is an ugly sob. And he doesn't want that. This shouldn’t be worth crying over. He just wants to get home and be alone right now. 

Five minutes into the ride, his phone starts buzzing. He ignores it, closing his eyes and concentrating on breathing instead, willing himself not to cry. His skin is crawling and he just wants to rip himself apart because it's his fault, isn't it? It must be him that's the problem. If he was just normal… he would’ve never look at Even twice, maybe they would be friends, without Isak making it into some weird, ridiculous thing.

Arriving at the kollektiv, Isak rushes to his room right away. He really, really doesn’t feel like talking to Eskild right now. He’s three seconds away from crying and Eskild would make it into some huge deal, which it isn’t. He buries himself in bed as soon as he gets to his room and finally lets himself sob.

He hates this feeling, he hates everything about it. He wants to take every piece of himself and rearrange them. His attraction to boys, his lack of attraction to girls. Most of all, he wants to get rid of his feelings for Even, wants to physically rip them out of his body. With every second, he feels bile rise in the back of his throat at this feeling.

He wishes he could at least be angry at Even, because he’d take anger over sadness, but it’s not like Even’s done anything. He just wanted a new friend at a new school and Isak is the one who twisted it into this sick thing in his head. 

His tears are soaking the pillow and he really needs to get his sobs under control or Eskild is gonna hear him and barge in here and not leave him alone before Isak tells him what’s wrong, and Isak can’t do that. Which is… when Isak first moved here, he thought maybe living with Eskild would make Isak accept himself. Because there’s nothing _wrong_ with being gay, Isak knows that. He has nothing against Eskild or any other gay guy, but it’s just… Isak just. He just can’t.

Isak tries but he can’t stop crying. Because he wishes it was him.

He wishes he was the one Even would be introducing to his friends. He oh so wishes he could feel like he’ll ever be okay with himself and could actually be with a boy. He wants it to be him, the person Even could really have feelings for, and not just in Isak’s head.

But, he wasn't, he isn’t, and it's not like he could ever even do that for Even. Even _if_ Even happened to be into guys, if he really had a thing for Isak, Isak could never be with a boy. He’s not brave enough and he never will be. And that knowledge hurts more than anything, every single day of his life.

In fact, more often than not for the past six months, Isak feels like he’ll never be happy or okay with himself. Sometimes, he even feels like other people hate him for it. His friends must notice how he’s never enthusiastic when talking about them with girls. Which is pretty much all they talk about. And it’s not like Isak can blame them. They’re _normal_ teenage boys, and teenage boys are meant to want to walk about girls all the time.

His mother must hate him too, for leaving her just like his father. Isak is a shit son and a shit friend and he just want to be better. Isak left because he couldn’t listen to his mother rant about religion anymore but his mom was right. Isak is wrong and his feelings are wrong.

On top of that he feels guilty for ever having had these irrational thoughts about Even, and creating all of this in his head. His chest is rising and falling quickly, eyelids fluttering shut as he starts feeling tired from all the crying.

Closing his eyes, Isak lets his mind wander. He imagines himself in a parallel universe, holding Even’s hand. Feeling okay and happy and kissing him in public and being able to do that. Being brave enough to tell his mom that he’s seeing a boy and her not hating him. He imagines having someone in a way he’s never had anyone before.

He lets himself imagine that for just a minute, and then he decides from this moment on he’s going to be normal, he’s going to try to get Emma to forgive him and take her to the kosegruppa party. And he’ll be _friends_ with Even because that’s all he wants from him.

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i know isaks thoughts are VERY heavy in this, and i dont think he was quite This angsty in s3, even though he was quite sad a lot, my poor boy. i just think the ending of mekke øl was a really hard blow for him so thats why this is extra loaded with angst.
> 
> you may also notice that his thoughts are kind of all over the place. isak goes between "i shouldnt like boys" and "i DONT like boys" thats on purpose too. i just think he was a very confused and scared baby
> 
> my gayness is my favourite thing about me and im SO happy isak loves his own gayness now and is happy with the love of his life and loves himself and feels loved by others <333 things get better!


End file.
